This pass week has been the hardest since I lost the baby before xmas, It been hard each day and each nite with having nightmares and Just keep from crying when I think about the baby or when I see woman who are pregnant. Or talking about babies . I thought get easier by now but it's not getting any easier and I knew going back to the doctor office and having to call everyone tell them I lost the baby I was going to have hard time doing it with crying and having issues telling them all.

Well I missed my first appt with doctor on Thursday after Christmas do to car trouble, But I did go to her this pass Thursday and I sat and talked to doctor for over 45 mins she was very nice and help me and hugged me when I cryed and sound to hearing baby heart beat in the room next to me I was in was the hardest since Tuesday December 21st when I lost the baby psyically(At home).

We talked and she testing me for 6 weeks every Friday to see if my Homere levels are going down and when they are at 0% Then I have to take about 6 pages full of test that she wants to run on me to see if they missed something from test they ran when I went to my first visit with the baby in November. She said that after talking to me and learning my family history and history when I was pregnant with Bryton and having him 6 weeks early. She wants to be very sure she didn't miss anything or try find that missing link...

Then she going to be sending me to a specialist about getting pageant again and If there was something missing example hormones or anything else how we handle it and work with them while I will be pregnant to keep from loosing the baby or having baby early like happened in the pass with these two pregnancey. She told me it was going to be hard the next few months still do to all these test and I be talking alot about baby and everything that happened while I was carrying baby. I really want to know what happpened what went wrong and I dont want to have to go though again , So I told her to start doing the test and see what happens and So I could know and I get pergnant agian baby and I be safe. I see her again Feb 24th to see what all the test tell us and what the next step is after all these test. Her last words was as she hugged me was Sue we will get you pergnant agian for last time :O) . I truely believe right after what I just went though that if we can and do have another it will be our last baby we have I couldnt go though again what I just went though never again or put baby though that again or my family It just really hard to deal with . My doctors want me to think about going to support group with other women that have lost baby and went ast far as I did where baby was a real baby .. I did tell my couserl that I would just give me information.

As I told you all back on christmas day I may look like doing good and feel good but in side me I feel empty and hurting bad I miss my baby !! And I know I need to cry more and get it out but really hard to do it with Bryton I dont want him to get upset . He worries now I dont wnat him to worry about anything. So I do cry when Im alone driving or when I go to bed at nite. I still have trouble being home alone . I know going to take more time then a few weeks to work though this and starting to feel comforable again and knowing our baby is our angel watching over our family..